| So often a trite statement. You'll hear it quoted, perhaps, by recovering alcoholics attempting to get back those things their habits have destroyed. You'll hear supposedly re-habilitated prisoners say this in an effort to shorten the term of their sentence. You may hear this line uttered from the lips of a spouse that is a workaholic or unfaithful - typically right around the time their significant other has decided they've "had enough." This phrase has been made meaningless because people too often use it out of desperation – so they won't lose something. They use it for selfish reasons, and because of this, the arrival of true change in a person is often difficult to acknowledge (for me, at least). With that as a prologue - let me say this definitively. One of my deepest desires is to exhibit authenticity and sincerity in my own life. Regardless of the mistakes that I make or have made, I am compulsively and ruthlessly honest, and I want to take this opportunity to be that to the people that I know. I have changed. I've thought long and hard about that phrase and what it means, and it is undeniably true in regards to me. There are attitudes, qualities, and internal drives that characterized me two or three years ago (even a year ago, in some cases) that I, in my current state, absolutely cannot identify with. Time for a few examples. Some may seem irrelevant at first, but bear with me – they all illustrate what that I’m talking about in some form. Fight Club used to be one of my favorite movies. This is no longer the case. I still find it interesting and I think Palahniuk is an intriguing writer, but I can no longer identify with the main character the way I used to be able to (and my identification with him was the biggest reason I previously loved the movie). The narcissism, the angst, the lack of direction, the nihilism, the confusion, his blatant disregard for others, his mildly sociopathic leanings and manipulative nature, his hatred for the structure of society and civilization in general, and the lack of intimacy and true friendship in his life - I simply can't relate anymore. I watched it for the first time in a long time the other day, and I actually felt sorry for the main character. He's a headcase - confused, conflicted, restless, angry and alone. He blames everyone but himself for his issues, and refuses to exhibit any semblance of personal responsibility that might lend hope to the possibility of improvement and forward progress in his life. He engages in self-destructive behavior and to him, the good things in life are illusory. I can't relate anymore, and because of this the movie was frustrating for me to watch. I am now fully aware of the impact of my attitudes and daily decisions. I truly love and feel genuinely close to those that God has placed in my life. Hope is real to me. Progress is something that I see myself achieving each day, and I'm genuinely excited about my own future. Though it still intrigues me, I’m so happy to say I can no longer identify with the mood of that film. On that note, I used to find satisfaction via outlets for an oft concealed, anti-social brand of anger and self-pity. Though some people may not have even noticed this, I’m sure some certainly did. Music, movies (like the one I just mentioned), art, literature, habits, conversations, and (as stupid as it sounds) even video games that allowed me to manifest pent-up, self-destructive thought patterns were ones I loved – now I see things like that as being utterly pointless and useless. I no longer have any desire to waste my time thinking like that. For me, those outlets cultivate a victim mentality which I now see as being completely detrimental to everything I’m trying to build. I used to pretend I knew everything, and was afraid to admit when I didn't. If one cannot admit what they don't know, they’re forced to keep up this sort of glass house façade that (understandably) breeds insecurity within them. Excuse my language, but people like this must inevitably become bullshitters and fakers in certain contexts to keep up an image of something that simply is not. Some people become damn good at this – I think it’s fair to say I certainly was at times. But if one can’t admit when they don't know, how can that person ever learn? Learning becomes so much more difficult for someone like that. Now, I'm very comfortable admitting when I don’t know things. I see that candid admission as being the sole catalyst to personal growth – the only avenue to amelioration and positive change. Though I think I can say I’ve always possessed an inherent thirst for knowledge – I simply cannot claim not know everything, and I’m completely comfortable with that. Lastly, I used to be afraid to verbally acknowledge my relationship with Christ. I used to be wary of referencing my love for Him in conversation, worried that I would be perceived as unintelligent or lumped in as being just another “non-thinking religious person.” I now have absolutely no qualms acknowledging that Jesus Christ is the origin of absolutely everything in me that is good. I have unabashedly acknowledged my love for Christ in so many conversations lately, and the results I’ve seen from this have absolutely moved me. I used to be ashamed to admit my love for Him, now I am ashamed of the times I was ashamed to acknowledge Him. Overall, this note is to say that the person I am now understands that so many of the thought patterns and behaviors of the person I’ve just described were completely foolish. Granted, there were often circumstantially understandable reasons for those subsurface emotions and destructive attitudes (and those that are closest to me know those reasons), and the big picture is so much more complicated than could possibly be expressed in a few paragraphs. Still – the difference between my thought patterns, attitudes and actions today as opposed to three years ago is as drastic as night and day. Positive thought begets positive action, constructive theory – productive practice. There are little battles we all have to fight and win each day – and so many times in my past the most difficult fight I faced was against myself. I am happy to say that as of recently, this is no longer the case, and the happiness and inner joy this has brought me is simply indescribable. Just thought I would share. - Jeremy |
